What does belonging mean?

Or my thoughts on modern way through the demands of life.

Growing up in an Italian (my dad is a first-generation American) & Irish household, family, community, and a sense of belonging were integral to who I was in the world.
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I always knew where I belonged: Sunday dinners, tons of cousins, 9 Aunts, and Uncles.
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With that history, there have been a few times in my adult life where belonging and an affinity for a space and place played a healing role in my existential quest for community.
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Opposite of that, there were many years when I was telling myself a lie just so I had a place to go and be and do.
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​A way to stave off the demands and isolation of modern life.
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As a result, I was trying to replicate the feelings of my childhood family life.
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The first healthy and true belonging that began to match that feeling was when I moved back to Boulder, CO, in 2002 and started at Naropa University - a Buddhist college where I majored in Contemplative Psychology with a focus on Existentialism and minored in Religious Studies.
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My time there involved lots of meditation, psychology debates, creating space for magic, and some Ikebana flower arranging.
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I still use the meditation, psychology, and contemplative skills I learned at Naropa to this day.
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​If I had been paying attention at Naropa, I might have noticed that community and a sense of belonging were at the core of my existential existence.
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I was persistently searching for it, and when I found it, I found the most joy. ​
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I believe and still do, for that matter, that being seen and seeing others is key to meaning and purpose.
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This concept and development of Self were further influenced when I was diagnosed with stage 3 Melanoma in 2014 and was as close to death as you'll get (that's a story for another day).
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​Out of that illness and recovery, I questioned who I was at my core.
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What the heck was I even doing in this life?
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I was lost.
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In this wilderness of confusion and groundlessness, I found myself on the internet, working in the Online Marketing Industry, surrounded by false belonging profits.
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​I was in spaces and places where liars roamed, and I believed the hype. ​
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I had been marketing and copywriting on the internet for 7 years before, but this endeavor was different. It was a giant club where we all had a badge of money-making honor.
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A Ponzi Scheme based on the belief in belonging and fortune.
I bought in, and honestly, I was a foot soldier.
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All in the name of wanting a place and community to call home.
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​Little did I know, I never really belonged. ​
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As a writer, I was responsible for many communications that led people to join whatever course, program, or latest "look at me!" influence was happening.
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I take responsibility for my role in this and don't claim otherwise.
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In my quest to replicate the community and belonging of my roots, I took a wrong turn.
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Then, as I delved into my process this last winter of leaving the industry and starting anew (you can read more about that here), I realized maybe I wasn't alone.
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Maybe others felt that way, too.
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And part of me wanted to try and be a conduit of good or at least a guide back towards the community I felt within my family system.
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​My husband, bleary-eyed and sipping his coffee, just asked, where is this email going? What are you trying to say?
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Honestly, I don't know. I don't have an agenda. I don't have a call to action.
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​It could be the final missive to leave the past behind and move on. ​
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It could be the public acknowledgment to myself that I've grown and can set goals for the future that are more positive, true, and aligned with my values.
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Or maybe I'm just here, sending up a flare (as my friend Karen Kenney likes to say) and letting you know you're not alone & you're welcome here.
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But before I sign off, know this: One of my core values is honesty, and it's paramount to this experience at The Nocturne. ​
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It's important to name that here.
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Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. And I promise only some of these posts will be long missives about random thoughts. ​
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xo,
Licia

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